Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time
by Onimiman
Summary: Again, an idea that Fettkat inadvertently gave to me; if Ben is going to sing a lovely love song that will make Myri feel all tingly, I'm going to make Onimi sing a song so ridiculous and stupid, it's partially traumatizing. Special thanks to the greatest man on Earth, TJ Kincaid, for coming up with that song on the spot.
1. Chapter 1

Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time

On a beach on the world known as Naboo, two distinct, light-skinned humans who otherwise went unnoticed by the other visitors of the beach sat in foldable chairs relaxing. One of them, a plain, near-muscular male, drank a vanilla dacherie while his counterpart, a burly man with rolls of fat making up his torso, drank a chocolate dacherie.

The fatter one sipped his dacherie and sighed in satisfaction from his cold drink. "How's your dacherie, Nommy?" he asked.

"It's good, I'll say," the other man replied. "Enjoying yours I suppose, Onimi?"

The fatter man looked at his counterpart and smiled. "You know, I like how we really got nothing else to talk about. Nothing important, nothing urgent, no stupid antics. Just relaxing on a beach, drinking dacheries, even after all we've done; you for pretty much more than half your actions in the war against the galaxy, and me for accidentally aborting the pregnancy of the wife of a powerful Jedi."

"And we get away scot-free, didn't we?" the disguised Nom Anor said, raising his glass of vanilla dacherie in a toast.

"We sure as hell did!" Onimi replied enthusiastically as he clinked his own glass to Nom Anor's, and they both took big sips from them for that toast. They both sighed in satisfaction again. "By the way, these are some awesome ooglith masquers you got."

"Thanks," Nom Anor replied. "I got them in the last reality I visited with Jacen while you were with the Aing-Tii with the Skywalkers, I don't think I brought that up."

"No, I just kind of assumed you got them from somewhere in this galaxy where your version of the Yuuzhan Vong left their stuff around for people to find, like spare ooglith masquers," Onimi commented. "I can't believe I didn't ask though." He sipped on his dacherie again. "So why'd Jacen drop you off here?"

Nom Anor shrugged. "I just kinda got bored with him. He wasn't as fun as you. He was always more moral and stuff. That, and the fact that he was somewhat uncomfortable with being around me given what my version of me in his reality did to him, his friends, and family. So I asked him to drop me off here to hang out with you. Besides, reality-traveling was boring, I tell you."

Onimi nodded. "Oh, I agree. Still couldn't find that reality where I won though. It really sucks."

"Well, I'm sorry," Nom Anor said in a genuinely apologetic tone.

Onimi shrugged before bringing his glass up for another toast. "Well, here's to disappointment in our lives." Nom Anor gladly acquiesed to that toast, and after they took more indulgent sips, Onimi added, "Especially me since I'm so ass-ugly under this masquer."

Nom Anor smirked. "Say, would you think it was mean of me if I told you that me being plain beneath this ooglith masquer makes me feel better in comparison with you?"

"Eh, I heard worse," Onimi said nonchalantly. "It is a shame, though, that this masquer makes me look like a disgusting fat human, as if to reflect on what I truly look like. You couldn't find me anything that would make me look like, oh, I don't know, Taylor Lautner?"

"Who?" Nom Anor asked.

"Oh, never mind, it was just in this reality I was in… it's not important," Onimi replied. "Like I said, good job on the ooglith masquers."

Nom Anor nodded in perplexity, but accepted Onimi's statement nonetheless as the conversation ended there. The two of them just sat back and relaxed, enjoying the last of their drinks before they both looked over and groaned upon seeing Ben and Myri Antilles Skywalker enjoying themselves and each other's company a little off to their right, where Onimi was closest to them.

Then Ben began singing. As the song went on, it was clear that Myri was enjoying it. Onimi and Nom Anor, on the other hand, looked at the scene and each other interchangeably in disgust before Ben was finished his song and they were whispering what were, at least to the disguised Yuuzhan Vong there, sweet nothings to one another.

"Aw, hell, I can sing a better song than that!" Onimi silently proclaimed to Nom Anor. "And in a better voice! You think I have a better voice than he, right, Nommy?"

"By miles," Nom Anor agreed. "Your poems in Shimrra's court were more entertaining than that!"

"Poems?" Onimi asked.

"Oh, right, you didn't do poems in your reality because you weren't in Shimrra's court there," Nom Anor corrected himself. "But regardless, even I can play that guitar better!"

"I agree with that, too!" Onimi said. "Say, you wanna go over there and show them how singing is really done?"

"I'm stupid enough to do just that!" Nom Anor exclaimed. "Let's do it!"

A few moments later, the two of them stood before the happy couple and Ben and Myri looked at them in perplexity. "Can we help you?" Myri asked.

"Yes, may I have that guitar?" Nom Anor asked.

Ben raised an eyebrow. For the moment, neither Ben nor Myri recognized his voice. "What for?" Ben asked.

"So we can show you how a real song is done," Onimi said.

Ben and Myri's eyes widened as they looked to Onimi, recognizing his voice. "You!" Myri growled. "Why can't you just leave us alone? You've done enough to us already!"

"We were planning to do just that, but Nommy and I were so sick of that song that we just have to show you how it's done," Onimi proclaimed.

Ben rolled his eyes before he stood up with his guitar. "Fine, if we let you sing, Onimi, with Nom Anor playing, will you leave us alone for the rest of our honeymoon?"

"Seems like a fair deal," Onimi replied. "You agree with it, Nommy?"

"I'm fine with it if you're fine with it," Nom Anor said.

"Then here's the guitar," Ben said, handing Nom Anor the instrument before turning back to sit with Myri on the sand. "Now play and put your money where your mouth is."

"All right," Onimi said before looking to his friend. "You know your tune, Nommy?"

"Now that you gave it to me via mind-control, yeah, I do," Nom Anor replied.

"I'm already controlling Nom Anor's mind so we're in sync," Onimi said as an aside to Ben and Myri.

"Whatever, just sing," Myri said irritably.

Onimi nodded just before Nom Anor began playing a constant, downbeat tune with a good rhythm and pattern.

Then Onimi sang:

_Well, I killed a grizzly bear_

_'Cause I wanted a snack_

_Bashed its grizzly face right in_

_Usin' only my ballsack!_

_I'm a bad muthafucka!_

_Do you know my name?_

_You don't know my name because I only tell my name to people_

_That I am gonna kill!_

_And my name… is… Cletus_

_Now you're dead, muthafucka_

_How'd you like to miss?_

_Why am I paralyzin' myself?_

_I'm just one man_

_But I've got a dick that's as big as another man_

_WHEN I RIDE A HORSE, I NEED A SEPARATE HORSE FOR MY BIG FAT FUCKI' DICK!_

_It's not ten feet long_

_It's ten feet thick, muthafucka!_

_I am Cletus the Great!_

_I am filled with hate!_

_If you fuck with me,_

_I will bury thee_

_Under the Earth!_

_Your mother…_

_Pussy will close up!_

_It'll be like a birth_

_In reverse!_

With that, the song ended, and Onimi concluded it with a silent, "That is my curse."

Naturally, after that song, Ben and Myri sat in wide-eyed shock at what the song contained.

"And that is how you play a song, motherfucker," Onimi said with a deliberate point to Ben as Nom Anor gave the guitar back to the Jedi.

The two Yuuzhan Vong then simply walked back to their chairs, sat back down in them, and just enjoyed the sunset of the beach while Ben and Myri were partially traumatized at what had just occurred.

THE END

Author's Note: Special thanks to The Amazing Atheist, the greatest man ever, for coming up with that song on the spot! And do I really need to attract Fettkat's attention with this? I think she'll find it just fine to review it, and tear it up.


	2. Chapter 2

Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time: Chapter 2

In the sector of Coruscant where Ben and Myri Antilles Skywalker's apartment was, night had settled. And while the city planet was always awake 24/7, that wasn't the case within the space afforded to the Skywalkers and their three children - teenaged red-haired daughter Marie, and prepubescent blonde-haired sons TJ and Cody - as the family slept.

But from the depths of that apartment, stretching miles to the bottom of the destroyed Vongformed underworld, Onimi and Nom Anor were rocking out to their hardest as the latter played a metal guitar and the former sung the most ridiculous and over-the-top stuff where no one could hear them or arrest them for disturbing the public peace. However, it wasn't as if no one was hearing it, for as Terroja and Cody slept, they heard the awesomeness of Onimi's singing and Nom Anor's playing through the Force; and they enjoyed it more than they ever had in listening to their dad play and sing as kids.

~o~

The next day, Terroja and Cody were attending to their duties in the Jedi Temple before they ran into the former's not-so-secret crush, Tonya, within the Temple's main hall.

"Hey, TJ," Tonya said with an ecstatic smile, calling him by her pet name for him. "You said yesterday that you were gonna play for me in your room back at your place after we're done here for today?"

"Oh, don't worry, Tonya, I haven't forgotten," Terroja replied. "Cody and I got a song ready for you later today."

Tonya looked at Cody curiously before looking back to Terroja. "I thought it was just gonna be you and me," she stated.

"Well, Cody wants to play, so I'm obliging him," Terroja said.

"Whatever, you're still gonna sing, right? 'Cause I love it whenever you sing!"

"I'm still gonna sing, Toni, Cody's just playing," Terroja replied.

"Great, I'll see you then!" she said before giving Terroja, turning away from the siblings, and scattering away to attend to her own duties, completely forgetting to say goodbye to Cody.

Terroja and Cody looked at each other. "You know what song we're singing, right, Cody?" Terroja asked.

"I do," Cody replied with a nod and a smile. "Tonya will find it so romantic, no doubt about it."

~o~

Later, after the day was done, the Skywalker brothers met with Tonya in their room back at their apartment; their parents were out on a date, and Marie was "babysitting," although Terroja and Cody saw Marie leaving the apartment with a sleazy-looking twenty-year-old guy when she left. Marie didn't know that they saw her from their rooms, but otherwise, Terroja and Cody didn't care. In either case, it was just the three of them in the apartment.

Tonya seated herself on the living area couch as the brothers gathered before her, Cody with his guitar.

"Well, play, you guys," she nearly demanded.

The brothers nodded, and Cody began playing a sweet, mushy, upbeat tune. Terroja soon began singing softly, looking in Tonya's eyes;

_I see you, baby_

_Lyin' in your bed_

_You look so beautiful with that_

_Pillow under your head_

_And I know I shouldn't_

_But I pull down my pants_

_And I take out my big_

_Fat, white, pimply ass_

_And I_

And in an instant, Terroja shouted

_FART IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!_

Simultaneously, Cody's tune became faster and more metal.

_Now go get me some eggs, you stupid bitch!_

_I'm hungrrrrryyyy!_

_Want some breakfast!_

_Yeah!_

With that, Cody's tune became more dramatic and badass as Terroja began making equally dramatic and wild gestures for a time before turning back to the now-shocked Tonya. Without wasting a second, he began jumping up and down like a madman before her before organically stopping from the jumping and shouting angrily:

_YEAH, BITCH, BREAKFAST TIME!_

The song came to an end as Cody's tune stopped right there, and Terroja said calmly, "Where are my eggs?"

~o~

Down in the ruined underworld where they lived, as Onimi and Nom Anor lay on piles of trash exposed to the night sky trying to sleep, the former abruptly sat up and asked his partner, "Hey, Nommy, did you feel that?"

"No, what, what is it?" Nom Anor asked, also sitting up, instantly curious.

"Oh, right," Onimi said in realization. "I only felt it in the Force."

"Well, what was it?" Nom Anor pressed.

"It... it was... our last song traveled through the Force to affect Ben and Myri Antilles Skywalker's sons," Onimi declared. "They sung it, man! They sung it!"

"It's a miracle," Nom Anor said with a tear in his one eye.

End Note: Special thanks to Terroja "TJ" Kincaid, a.k.a. The Amazing Atheist, and his former friend and partner Cody Weber, for coming up with that amazing (no pun intended) song.


	3. Chapter 3

Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time: Chapter 3

"Hey, Nommy!" Onimi exclaimed in excitement as he called out to Nom Anor amidst the nearly-destroyed Vongformed underworld of Coruscant, where they both lived. "I can finally do it!"

"Do what?" Nom Anor asked.

"Control the minds of Force-sensitives of varying power levels!" Onimi answered, still excited. "So you know what that means?"

"You're going to mess with Ben Skywalker, aren't you?" Nom Anor asked.

"You bet your ass I am!" Onimi said.

"Say, don't you think you've done enough to them already?" Nom Anor asked. "I mean, first, you aborted their child, on accident though, we practically ruined their vacation with our rendition of 'Cletus the Great,' and lastly, we had their sons sing one of our songs, which basically assured that they won't have girlfriends ever in their lives. Shouldn't we just leave them alone now?"

Onimi paused for a moment before looking at Nom Anor with a smile. "You're bullshitting me, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," Nom Anor said, nodding with an evil grin. "We're a bunch of assholes, aren't we?"

"Yeah, and it's awesome," Onimi said.

~o~

Night had settled over the apartment of the Skywalkers, and Ben began to play a soft, upbeat, romantic tune on his guitar before Myri as she sat on the couch in their living room. He was about to sing something romantic when, as he maintained the slow, melodic tone he intended, he sung:

"I hate you, baby,

I think you're dumb.

I think of other women,

Every time I cum.

I hate you, baby,

I hate your hair.

It looks like a bunch of cats

Vomited there.

I hate you, baby,

I hate your friends.

I wish all their lives

Would come to an end.

I hate you, baby,

I hate your dog.

I wanna see it smashed

Under a log."

At that, Ben clapped his hands together to provide visual aid to Myri for that gruesome image.

"I hate you, baby,

You drive me outta my wits.

I hate you, baby

But, hey, you've got..."

Ben played the last string on his guitar and said, "Nice tits."

~o~

"You've got nice tits, too, Nommy," Onimi said playfully to his friend once he had finished controlling Ben.

"Aww, thank you," Nom Anor replied in the same kidding tone.

~o~

"What the hell just happened?" Ben asked, shaking his head as if he were in a trance.

"What just happened, Ben Skywalker," Myri said as she stood up angrily from the couch, "is that you just assured yourself of sleeping on this couch tonight! In fact, you just assured yourself of sleeping on this couch for the rest of the week!" With that, she stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door shut on Ben as he tried to follow her.

"Myri, c'mon, I don't know what I just did!" Ben defended. "I wasn't myself!"

"Good night, Ben," she said angrily, indicating that she wasn't in the mood to listen.

Defeated, Ben turned away and slumped over to the couch where he plopped down, immediately feeling like a turd in a toilet.


	4. Chapter 4

Onimi and Nom Anor: Music Time

As Nom Anor and Onimi continued to live in the nearly-destroyed Vongformed underworld of Coruscant, they were once again playing some music, with the former playing on his guitar and Onimi singing. The tune that Nom Anor played was slow and deliberate, which had Onimi gesturing rhythmically as he sung in a deep, base voice:

"Next time you see...

A woman in the grocery store...

If she's buying cucumbers...

You gotta wonder if that's just her low-budget dildo...

I always wondered that...

If that vegetable is going in her ****.

I don't know.

It drives me craaaazy.

Craaazy."

With that, Nom Anor ended the tune and Onimi concluded by saying, "Spooky song."

The next tune that Nom Anor played went by a rhythm that Onimi began singing:

"Come and suck my dick now.

Come and suck my dick now."

He then began gesturing at his crotch as if he were forcing someone to felate him while also trying to vocally replicate Nom Anor's tune. But Nom Anor stopped playing his instrument as he and Onimi looked up to find an airspeeder descending towards them. They moved out of the way as it landed on the ground and the unseen pilot turned the engine off.

The pilot then opened the door on his side, and out stepped Ben Skywalker, who stared back at the two Yuuzhan Vong with rage.

"It's been you two!" he exclaimed. "You were the ones who made me sing the song of 'I Hate You, Baby' to my own wife! You know how hard it's been sleeping on that couch for the past three days?!"

"Hey, you know how hard it is to live down here, scrounging for food and water when the only thing that will lift your spirits is singing music?" Onimi rebuked. "So before you overreact and try to kill us like you overreacted when I saw your wife naked, just know that Nommy and I have it a lot worse down here than you do up there, fucktard."

"So you think that means I'll just let you two idiots go?" Ben asked angrily before whipping out and igniting his lightsaber. "I don't think so."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Nom Anor exclaimed. "Can't we cut a deal?"

"What deal could possibly deter me from killing you two?" Ben asked, still furious.

Nom Anor hesitated.

"Exactly," Ben said before he prepared to charge.

"What if we helped you?" Nom Anor asked as Ben took two steps forward.

Ben stopped in his charge and said, "What did you have in mind?"

"We give you a song to sing that'll mend your relationship," Nom Anor offered.

"And what song will that be?" Ben asked.

~o~

Ben played on his guitar before an expectant Myri, sitting on the couch with her frown, given the last thing he sung her. His riff was playing at a constant beat and tune.

_I can't believe I'm doing this_, Ben thought. _What convinced me to do this?_

And thus he sung,

"Love you like Hitler,

loved his mustache.

Covered in love

Like a pulsating rash.

Love as deep as a fist

In the ass.

I love you like

Michael Jackson loved kids

But my Jesus-Juice is better than his.

I'll love you as long as Ron Jeremy's dick

Love as widespread the AIDS abyss.

My love is as pure

as the purest cocaine.

I'll eat your pussy like a zombie

Munchin' on a brain.

My love is like a tumor,

it grows everyday.

It can't be treated.

It won't go away."

Then he stopped singing but kept playing as he shouted, "Yeah! Fuckin' love song, bitch! It's gonna make me rich! I fuckin' love you! I fuckin' love you so much, baby! Don't you feel that love?! Don't you feel that love in your fuckin' heart, you fuckin' bitch! Better feel that fuckin' love or I'll fuckin' punch you! I'll punch you in the face!" And with that, he stopped playing.

Myri had tears in her eyes. "Oh, Ben! Take me to bed now!" she exclaimed with enthusiasm.

Ben then dropped his guitar to the floor, picked Myri up in his arms, and whisked her off into their bedroom for a wildly passionate night.

When Ben and Myri were finished about a good three hours later, they were fast asleep, allowing Onimi and Nom Anor to sneak out of their closet and out of their apartment.

"You know, that would have never worked in real life," Nom Anor commented as they, in ooglith masquers disguising themselves as humans, walked down the halls of Ben and Myri's apartment.

"Good thing I can control minds to fall for shit like that," Onimi countered.

"Well, why didn't you just do that to Ben when he threatened to kill us earlier today?" Nom Anor asked.

"Because it's fun to watch you be scared," Onimi said with a wicked grin.

"You're an asshole," Nom Anor said with a smile that betrayed the fact that he was joking.

"You're an asshole," Onimi replied in an equally jovial tone.

"So are they going to realize what happened back there?" Nom Anor asked when the mirth died.

"If they do, we're fucked," Onimi said.

"Oh, right, because they'll come after us again," Nom Anor concluded.

"Right," Onimi confirmed.

"Well, I guess we're going back home then?" Nom Anor asked, disappointed that this is what their day led to.

"Yep," Onimi replied curtly.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," Nom Anor said.


End file.
